beckerbuns: (icon_haninhanukkah)
I'm participating in a study that involves mothers of children with volatile behaviors journaling on a regular basis. Here is my entry from last week. I needed to write about a relationship. I chose to write about my relationship with Ricky.

My relationship with my son, Ricky, is complicated. He is not a touchy-feely type of kid, but when he is happy to see me he will lean on me and love on me and I know that he loves me. He is often standoffish in social situations, because he doesn't know how he should be acting. But when he leans on me and loves on me, I know he's either not feeling well, or showing me that he loves me.

Recently, a new dynamic has come into play -- Ricky becoming a teenager. I get a bit of attitude from him now. He is hostile and even aggressive toward his brother. I know that, even though he's a wiry, skinny kid, I can probably not restrain him now if he gets to be out of control. And I am on my own, a single mom, so if that happens, it's all on me.

Nowadays he frequently moans and groans at me about his breathing treatments. When he is angry and volatile, sometimes he refuses his meds. That really scares me too. I try to be patient with him but sometimes it's hard to remember that he's different from most kids -- that he doesn't always understand. Most of all, when he's in the middle of a rage or is being unreasonable, it's not under his control. He can't understand reason. When I try to reason with him at one of these times, it's like talking to a brick wall. I have to wait until he has calmed down and only then can we go over what happened and try to figure out a solution.

In the end, and at the end of the day, Ricky is my oldest. My first baby. My initiation into parenthood. And what an initiation it was... A premature baby with multiple health, and later, developmental issues. But from the moment I first held him, when he was a couple of weeks old, I knew I was his mama. My relationship with him has not always been solid or easy, but I am always his mom. I think he knows that, even when he's having a rage. I don't know what I'd do without him. I know I'm going to be facing that eventuality because of his cystic fibrosis... He won't always be around. But for now, I am going to enjoy the relationship I have with this amazing kid.

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Becky's journal

September 2015

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